Lessons from a Former Self-Help Junkie
Change How You Think Before Changing What You Do
As a mom of four school-aged children, wife to an adventurous serial entrepreneur, and a student in graduate school, there’s simply never a dull moment.
To best manage my ever-changing and often chaotic schedule, I read dozens of self-help books and amassed a treasure trove of tips and tools on how to lead a fulfilling life and maximize my potential. I adopted high-performance habits, witnessed the life-changing magic of tidying up, embraced my imperfections, joined the 5 a.m. club, tapped into the power of now and stopped apologizing.
To say I “put in the work” would be an understatement.
In the midst of the ups and downs of the pandemic, I was grateful for the survival tips and life hacks that helped keep me sane while I navigated uncharted territory. I shared many useful tools and insights on my blog and adapted them to my clients’ needs to help them move closer to their goals.
What happened next was unexpected: I went from “self-help junkie” to “self-help skeptic.”
I discovered that what worked for me often didn’t work for others. In fact, tips that worked for some clients were detrimental to others and had opposite outcomes.
I began to realize how important it is to understand the narrative behind each individual’s desire for change before deciding on which tools and lifestyle hacks are best suited for them. This, I learned, is the most sustainable way to pave a path of alignment between their core values and building the life they truly want.
Instead of looking for answers, we started digging for better questions.
The tools are great, but are they great for you? Why do you want this change now ?
For example, facing fears can be a good thing, but does this method apply in all situations?
Here’s another example: The oft-quoted “If it’s not a ‘hell yes’, it’s a ‘no’” has resulted in people saying “no” because it simply doesn’t feel good to say yes. Perhaps there are certified people-pleasers out there who can benefit from this approach, but if we adopt this view without deeper questioning, we run the risk of becoming narcissists, looking out for our own interests at the expense of others’.
Un-Selfing Help
I have no doubt that the many of the self-help books I’ve read have had a profound impact on my life and helped change it for the better.
I feel a deep sense of gratitude to Brene, Eckhart, Dale, and all the self-help gurus who have made it their lives' mission to help us tap into our potentials.
Despite having experienced tremendous growth from the self-help tools I adopted (I still wake up at 5 a.m. and get loads of stuff done before the kids take over), and from my graduate studies in Psychology, it was my endless curiosity about the human condition that helped me identify the missing components of the puzzle.
The Spiritual Approach
In his best-selling book “Morality: Restoring the Common Good in Divided Times,” Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, former chief Rabbi of the UK and award-winning author shares a profound truth that has completely altered the way I understand self-help and self-care.
While the willpower and desire for change comes from within, for most of us, it is the quality of our relationships that give us meaning and fulfillment. Thus, it is in our ability to love and care for someone else that we can transcend the self.
Sacks proposes that we shift from “I” to “we,” and that we become concerned with the welfare of others as though it were our own. He argues that “…the only people who will save us from ourselves is “We”—the People.”
While this concept isn’t new, we have seen a lot of new research on the link between helping others and improved physical health, mental health, increased happiness levels, and so on.
In one example, a survey of people in 136 countries showed that those who had donated money to charity were happier than those who had not.
As we battle a global pandemic, the interdependent nature of our society is perhaps more evident today than ever. In a post-Covid world, we have a rare opportunity to re-examine the role of self-help and self-care and recognize the inescapable link between the “Self” and the “Other.” Hopefully, this will lead us to a place of greater connection, fulfillment, and increased joy.
I have always loved looking to research for guidance on best practices for more wholesome living, and so I share the following tips with the hope that you will adopt what works for you while remaining curious and remembering that there is no one-size-fits-all formula for success.
Here are the 10 tips that I have found most helpful in guiding my clients in moving from scattered to strategic, from confused to clear-headed, and from thinking to doing (in no particular order):
Use your time wisely. Time is a precious and UNRENEWABLE resource, so use it wisely. How are you spending your time? Take note of what you can change to move closer toward your intended goals.
Find shared activities. Find activities that both you and your kids/family enjoy. It’s important that YOU enjoy them because ultimately if you’re stressed out and overwhelmed, you will pass that negative energy along to others and no one wins.
Make time for movement. You don’t need to go to the gym. Simply turning on music and moving your body is fine.
Wake up before your kids. If you’re a parent, try to wake up before your kids do. Using this time to do something that fuels YOU can really jumpstart your day.
Get dressed every single morning… even if you’re not going anywhere. Research shows that people who do this are more productive and feel better throughout the day. And PLEASE, don’t forget to eat… especially if you’re the hangry type!
Take small steps. We underestimate the power of the little things in getting us closer to our goals. For example, if you want to exercise more, put your workout clothes on in the morning, even if you don’t plan on working out. If you want to lose weight, replace the cookie jar with a bowl of fruit. This is what successful people have in common: they do not underestimate the value of every action taken.
Combine tasks when possible. If you have a lot on your plate, multi-task when you can! Here are a couple of examples: When I know I have a phone call that will last 30 minutes or longer, I go for a walk so I can get some movement in. When I need to cook or bake something, I try to turn it into an activity with my kids. When I work at my desk, I sit on my exercise ball or do squats.
Switch out your phone for books. Charge your phone far away from your bed, and keep books on your nightstand. This one’s pretty self-explanatory!
Keep a day or time log: This is amazing for accountability. When I keep a log, I can review it at the end of the day and see if there’s anything I could have done differently (i.e., consume less social media). In general, having an accountability journal is huge. I created one that has been very helpful for me. You can find it on Amazon.
Practice gratitude: Each day, write down three things you are grateful for. Do this for 21 days. This can change your brain. I’ve seen a ton of research on this and it really works. There’s something about writing it down that makes it more effective.
Finally, don’t measure success based on someone else’s barometer. As a recovering perfectionist, I can tell you that when success is defined by external forces (for example, other people’s standards, validation, results) as opposed to internal ones (the inherent value of the things we do), not only do we become more likely to “cheat” the system (like using that oh-so-tempting Instagram filter that makes us look flawless), but we also begin to cheat our own systems (the ones inside ourselves that is left feeling continuously depleted, as though we are never enough).
These principle of defining success and taking action steps toward it are beautifully encapsulated in the famous verse from Hillel the Elder: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, then when?”
