Mask On/Mask Off
Note the following statements:
Being open about your flaws and struggles helps you live a more authentic and purposeful life (mask off).
Act the way you want to feel even if you don’t feel that way, and you will likely start feeling better and becoming happier (mask on).
So, which is it? Is the path to better living paved when we become more open about our struggles, or is it found when we conceal our true feelings and act like everything is going great?
This month, we celebrate the holiday of Purim, where we wear costumes and commemorate the salvation of the Jewish people of the ancient Persian Empire from Haman’s plot for annihilation. Adar is a month of joy, and the Torah literally commands us to be happy for the duration of it.
We know that G-d wouldn’t command us to do something if it wasn’t possible, which means that happiness must, in fact, be possible for us, even if we don’t believe it is.
With this in mind, how can we extract timeless lessons from Purim and apply them to our current experience to better understand the meaning behind the mask and the role it plays in living a happier life?
Treating the Symptoms
We live in a material world where a high value is placed on external factors and the happiness they can allegedly bring us (i.e. superficial beauty, the amount of commas in our “net worth,” social media followers, etc.).
We have Instagram filters and digital retouching at our fingertips and more opportunities than ever to don our masks in the “masquerade” of life. Many of us operate on the faulty assumption that our “masks” will serve as armor and protect us from the harmful effects of emotional rejection. The problem is that seeking happiness through these means leaves us running on a hamster wheel of “never enough,“ sending us further into the abyss of denial, blame and discontent.
The Path to Happiness
Happiness has become increasingly elusive because of the ways in which we seek it. People often go to therapy claiming they are unhappy, yet the presenting problem is merely a symptom of something deeper. For example, financial and relational problems are often the presenting problems, but the underlying issues are lack of boundaries, low self-awareness, low self-worth or codependency.
In other words, the problem almost always begins as discontent due to external factors (i.e. financial struggles, spousal behaviors, external appearances. etc.), but once exploration begins, patients begin to dig deeper and discover that the roots of their discontent reside within. This is not to say that we’re fully responsible for everything that happens to us, but we can only achieve change if we recognize where true happiness comes from.
Happiness is not found in your next paycheck, nor in the amount of followers or likes you have on social media. Many of us are unconsciously running on a hedonic treadmill where to nowhere, with the “happiness threshold” getting further and further away no matter how fast we pursue it.
Queen Esther concealed her identity, but she never forgot who she was and never lost her faith in G-d. Esther also realized that happiness is not found in externalities, but within herself. After all, a good life is not one in which everything is good, but in which we can see the good in everything.
So back to our question: According to the Torah, happiness is our default state. We would not be given the commandment to be happy if it was impossible to achieve, which means we have the capacity to achieve happiness and contentment.
But we must acknowledge the underlying issues that are standing in the way of our happiness, beyond the symptoms we are treating. (Disclaimer: There are individuals who suffer from clinical depression who may need to seek counseling and/or take medication. This is in no way a replacement for getting proper help when necessary.)
We all figuratively wear masks sometimes, afraid that people might discover who we really are and not like what they see. It often feels easier to wear armor and know we are shielded from the pain of emotional rejection. But this is a short-lived solution, much like using a band-aid to treat an infection.
If you’re using your mask as a disguise, to pretend everything is perfect when it’s not, chances are your unconscious mind is at play, confusing you about the nature of the mask and role it should play in your life. Knowing when to put it on and take it off is essential. Know when it is important to be silent, and when to speak up. In other words, handle your mask with care, just like Esther did.
When we discover the meaning behind the mask, only then can we understand how wearing one at times can indeed improve our state of mind. In a classic study, students were told to hold pencils between their teeth, naturally mimicking a smile, which activated neural pathways that increased feelings of happiness. Data backs the notion that faking it until you make it is effective—under the right circumstances.
At the end of the day, it’s not necessarily about what you do; it’s why you’re doing it that matters.
What role does the mask play in your life? What purpose does it serve, if any?
The Lubavitcher Rebbe often stressed that the lessons and stories we see in the Torah apply to all generations. When we look at Purim, what can we learn about happiness?
There’s one thing I know for sure: happiness is an inside job.
Happy Purim.
