Pretty Insecure: Rising Above the Pressure to be Perfect
To what extent is your perceived worth contingent on the way you look?
If you gained twenty pounds tomorrow, would you feel less worthy of love or acceptance?
If a giant pimple showed up unannounced, smack-dab in the middle of your face, would you cancel your evening plans?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, keep reading, because I’m about to show you that you are very much not alone.
In a recent study conducted by researchers at Florida State University, women who had browsed social media for twenty minutes experienced lower self-esteem after doing so, whereas women who had instead done research on safari animals did not.
In the U.S., recent headlines announced college admissions scandals, where celebrities and those with big reputations to uphold committed fraud to get their kids into the best colleges.
We’re living in a world where we believe that a “B” grade from as early as middle school can ruin a kid’s chances of getting into a top college. Whether we’re talking about looks, grades, or any other standard of “achievements”, our society trains us to believe that perfectionism is a must.
The result? We’re left carrying an inordinate amount of pressure every single day—the kind that has us believing that an extra twenty pounds negates our worthiness of love, or that a giant zit zaps away our excitement about going out with our friends or husbands.
The impact on our girls
Here’s a startling statistic: 47% of girls between the ages of eleven and twenty-one believe they aren’t pretty enough (Source: Girlguiding UK’s 2016 Girls’ attitudes survey).
Social media is an inevitable part of our girls’ worlds. While we can’t blame social media platforms for low self-esteem, it is important to acknowledge the role they play in our self-image. Many girls believe that the filtered photos they see online reflect reality. Remember, most of them don’t assign the same judgments to others as they do to themselves and their own pictures.
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, teens as young as thirteen are seeking plastic surgery, and roughly 230,000 cosmetic procedures were performed on patients aged thirteen to nineteen in 2017 alone. The rates have since increased.
Americans have spent over $16 BILLION on plastic surgery. $16 billion!! And if that isn’t shocking enough, the United States ranks only number six on the world stage of plastic surgery spending per capita (South Korea takes first place, followed by Greece, Italy, Brazil, and Colombia).
If we want to do an about-face, change has to begin with us as individuals taking responsibility for our role in perpetuating this issue.
What is behind all of this?
As a millennial, I didn’t grow up with Instagram or Facebook, but that didn’t keep me from experiencing my fair share of body image issues. The obsession with perfectionism isn’t a new problem, and I can only imagine how much harder it must be for girls today who face constant exposure to unobtainable ideals of perfection.
This pressure we women feel to strive for the elusive “perfection” is an issue we need to address together.
Here’s an interesting point to consider: The things we place the most value on are often the very same aspects of ourselves that we feel most insecure about.
Think about it…
–If you place a lot of value on how you look, you’re likely to spend significantly more time on your appearance.
–If money is super important to you, you’ll likely measure your self-worth (not the money kind) based on your net worth (the money kind).
–If intelligence is the be-all and end-all for you, your self-esteem will likely be linked to your academic performance (or your child’s).
As a recovering perfectionist, I can tell you that when success is defined by external forces (e.g. acceptance by others, money, looks), as opposed to our own attitude (how we feel about ourselves), not only do we become more likely to “cheat” the system (like using that oh-so-tempting Instagram filter that makes us look flawless), but we also begin to cheat our own systems (the ones inside ourselves that are left feeling continuously depleted, as though we are never enough).
How we turn the tables
We are all susceptible to placing too much value on external forces and things that are beyond our control, but we can change that. It isn’t easy, but it IS possible.
We can start by recognizing that we all have inherent value, which is in no way linked to the way we look, how much money we have in the bank, or how others choose to judge us. It is our duty to internalize this message and pass it along to our children.
Imagine this scenario: A girl tells her mother that she doesn’t feel pretty and her mother assures her that she is beautiful.
Chances are she won’t believe her mom, or she’ll find an excuse for why her mother would say that (i.e. “you’re my mother, of course you’re gonna say I’m beautiful.”).
But what if the mom took this opportunity to remind her daughter, “I think you’re beautiful. But at the end of the day, you are a valuable soul and you matter, regardless of how you look or anything outside of you. You are special and loved and you are an entire universe within yourself. Your external appearance is far from the most exciting or important thing about you!”
The energy of our thoughts begins to shift when we remind ourselves and our children that the way we look, what size we are, or our GPA in no way reflects our value as human beings. We value our children as individuals not despite their flaws, but because of them. Why shouldn’t we then treat ourselves the same way?
Next time you find yourself making a perfectionism-driven decision, why not speak to and nurture yourself the same way you would to your daughter if she was making a big decision?
Thinking differently about achievements
It’s important to note that the desire to be more attractive, become rich, or achieve straight A’s can exist within a healthy framework for achievement and accomplishment.
It’s only when we begin doing those things out of the fear that not doing them will make us unworthy or unlovable that we enter the downward spiral and join the never-ending rat race to become accepted amongst our peers. Sure, competition is a normal part of development, but we must acknowledge the extent to which it interferes with living one’s life with authentic confidence and a healthy, internally-based self-image.
The bottom line is this: if the need to be perfect is fueling the majority of your decisions, it might be time for some self-reflection. And please, don’t beat yourself up for it. Waking up to a need for change is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It is empowering and liberating.
Want to track and accelerate your progress? Research highlights the benefits of keeping a gratitude journal. I have seen the magic of gratitude in action in my own life and can tell you that it is absolutely life-changing.
When you write down (and you must write it down, not think it) three things you are grateful for every day for 21 days, you can change your brain-wiring and become more focused on the things you have as opposed to the things you don’t.
Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and the most important beholder is the reflection you see in your mirror.
There will always be someone out there who is prettier, smarter, richer, and more popular. Your value lives within you, not on a measuring stick that is comparing you to others.
When you begin to pay attention to your strengths and become grateful for the person you are today (not the person you want to be, or the person you think other people expect you to be), you’ll begin to notice small but steady shifts in your self-concept. And that, my friends, is where true fulfillment happens.
Ultimately, what you value will determine how you perceive yourself.
–If you notice your flaws, they will become magnified.
–If you notice your strengths, you will begin to truly see them and appreciate your power.
The more you focus on external forces, the less likely you are to have inner fulfillment. The solution? Spend your time appreciating what is internally yours versus what is external or unobtainable.
You are great as you are today. Own it! Write about the things in your life you are grateful for and watch your energy begin to shift. Where the quest for perfectionism once drained you, you will begin to feel perked up by the beauty you discover within yourself.
Please share this article with anyone you think needs to hear this message (so, basically everyone).
