Motherhood and Guilt: Navigating a Multirole Life
The “Mom Guilt” struggle is real. We want to be present for our families, but are often left feeling depleted and like we can never win. It’s like there’s never enough time in the day, and motherhood is a full-time job in and of itself. For those of us who throw work into the mix, there’s that additional juggling of being there for our families while getting work done. The struggle of the juggle is constant, and many of us feel pulled in multiple directions.
“When I’m home, I think about the work I need to get done, and when I’m at work, I feel guilty that I can’t be there for my kids. It’s like there’s no peace, no matter what I’m doing,” a friend of mine complained.
This isn’t about what we have on our plates; the decision to pursue a career is a personal one, and there is no “one size fits all” approach.
The question we need to ask is whether the decisions we’re making are rooted in feelings of guilt, or possibly the feeling of not being enough.
While guilt is a normal (and often necessary) emotion, it should not be stifling our personal growth.
Having experienced my fair share of “mom guilt,” I was on the lookout for some inspiration. It didn’t take long for inspiration to visit from right next door (literally).
Judge Ruchie (Rachel) Freier, mother of six and the first Chassidic woman in U.S. history to be elected to public office, came to my Miami neighborhood to give a lecture. .
She talked about her life as a multirole woman and how she navigated motherhood while getting through college and then law school, running a home, and serving as a community advocate. Even as I write this, I can’t believe I’m describing one woman.
Ruchie got married at 19 and worked as a legal secretary, supporting her family while her husband attended Rabbinical school. She began pursuing higher education at age 30, spending 6 years in college and another 4 in law school. She was often ridiculed by her peers, who thought she was past her prime and wasting her time (boy, did she prove them wrong). In addition to becoming a judge, she has also become a media sensation (with appearances on The Today Show and other media outlets), and is booked months out for speaking engagements. She also founded an all-female volunteer EMT corps.
The woman is unstoppable.
I listened intently as she spoke about balancing life as a multirole woman. When asked how she deals with “mom guilt” and not being there for her kids, she responded that not only did her work not detract from her role as a mother, but it enhanced it. She said that her children are always her top priority, and though her time is limited, she’s fully present when she’s with them.
“There are many mothers who spend 24/7 with their kids but are not really there, and mothers who have little time to spend with their kids but the time spent with them is wholesome and precious and the kids recognize that,” Rachel said.
She tries to involve her kids in her work whenever she can. They see her passion and are fueled by it—it’s almost contagious. Her family followed her on the campaign trail and even composed jingles in Yiddish for it. She attributes much of her success to her family and her faith, and says that she is successful not despite those things, but because of them.
The valuable lesson I learned from Ruchie is the power of presence. Some of us work, some of us don’t. Some of us need more time away from our kids than others. That isn’t the point. What matters is how we go about doing what we do. What matters is that we are INTENTIONAL about how we navigate and engage in the world around us. Ruchie recognized her desire to pursue her dream of becoming a lawyer. She knew that if she didn’t fulfill her personal dream, she would regret it, so she went ahead and filled her tank, which brings me to the final lesson I learned from Ruchie: a rising tide raises all ships.
When we take care of ourselves and do things that we know will fill our “tanks” and bring us joy, we are more likely to be present, engaged and wholehearted in all areas of our lives.
How are you filling your tank?
