Overcoming the Strain of Small Talk
You know that twenty-second elevator ride with a stranger that feels more like twenty minutes?
There’s the weighty silence and that awkward feeling that you should probably say something, until you quickly pull out your phone and pretend to be utterly absorbed in it until the elevator dings and you can safely disembark with a sigh of relief.
We’ve all been there: the moment of coming face-to-face with situational small talk and wanting to avoid it at all costs.
For some of us, the thought of making small talk turns us into a big bundle of anxiety. It can be so strenuous that we go far out of our way to avoid any form of conversation.
When we find ourselves in these sticky situations, our phones feel like our only lifeline out of the pending interaction.
Thank you, cell phone, for giving us the perfect excuse to ignore the awkwardness.
But are our phones really helping us out or holding us back?
Remember way back when, in the days before cell phones (if you’re not a millennial), when we would walk into elevators, stand next to someone, and simply put up with whatever awkward small talk ensued?
Remember what it felt like to be pushed outside of your comfort zone and have to engage in small talk?
The big question is this: in our modern cell-phone-as-an-escape-world, is it now okay to avoid someone in an elevator (or anywhere, for that matter)?
Is there any benefit to our chit-chatting with strangers? Do we really need to expend our energy on something that makes us uncomfortable and on someone we may never see again?
Is the art of avoidance really such a bad thing?
The answer is yes and no, depending on a few factors.
The Art of Avoidance
Not wanting to engage in small talk doesn’t make you antisocial. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. The problem occurs when the art of avoidance begins to cause anxiety, which likely returns every time you’re in that situation.
My husband works alongside many celebrities who have become partners in his sunglasses business. Many of his connections (dare I say most) were the result of his willingness to engage in conversation with people who helped him establish valuable business relationships (i.e, he talks to the people many of us may want to avoid in the elevator).
See where I’m going with this?
My husband has no problem starting conversation with just about anyone. He doesn’t overthink it; to him, every opportunity for interaction is a an opportunity to meet someone new, to find new connections and forget new relationships.
Put me in the same situation and it’s a different story.
As the quintessential introvert, it’s quiet moments that fuel me. Forcing myself into daunting situations that require small talk does exactly the opposite.
In her book Quiet (one of my favorites), author Susan Cain, a leading expert on introversion, explains this precise predicament. Cain’s TED talk on the subject has received over 23 million views.
Cain has an interesting solution for those of us who tend toward introversion and struggle with small talk:
She asserts that if we approach these situations as though we are journalists, we’ll be armed with questions that build a bridge fueled by curiosity.
Introverts are not anti-social; we just need a little extra help arming ourselves with small-talk tools.
One tip? In general, open-ended questions are shown to lead to better conversation. For example, “What do you enjoy most about X?” is better than “Do you enjoy X?” It creates space for dialogue.
I’ll never forget that one time when we were shopping at a department store and ran into an NBA basketball player. The thought of approaching him made me sweat, but I learned a lot from my husband that day.
When I saw David walking toward him, I cringed. I was so deeply uncomfortable (and I wasn’t even the one starting the conversation!). Talk about second-hand anxiety.
Long story short, David and the NBA player stayed in touch and he eventually did a photo shoot for the suit company my husband owned at the time.
Orchids and Dandelions: Fostering Resilience
Some of us are simply more sensitive to the world around us, and social situations aren’t as easy for us to navigate as they are for other people (looking at you, David).
It can take stepping out of our comfort zones to prove to ourselves that we can push a little bit and awaken to something beyond what we thought we could or couldn’t do in the company of strangers.
In his groundbreaking research on vulnerability and resilience, titled “Biological sensitivity to context, Thomas Boyce shares a beautiful analogy of the orchid and the dandelion. He refutes the conventional view that an individual is either vulnerable or resilient, and that the two are mutually exclusive.
Instead, he explains, determining the environments that provide us with opportunities to blossom, and tending to and caring for ourselves (aka self-compassion) can make all the difference.
Much like an orchid withers away in an unhospitable climate, the same thing can happen to us. The wrong setting can make us shrink while in the right setting, we can thrive.
Each of us have a deep inner “knowing,” a part of us that knows when it makes sense to give something or someone a shot, a gut feeling that tells us whether to move forward or not.
It’s okay to feel an initial sense of discomfort at the idea of making conversation. Just tune into that “knowing” of whether it makes sense to step into the discomfort or move away from it.
In other words, know your climate, but be okay with unpredictable weather.
When the situation feels right, allow yourself to feel the vulnerability and slight discomfort of the looming small talk—and then tap into the resilience that allows you to take on the challenge.
The personal growth that stems from it will be transformational.
Understanding our Motives
If avoidance is leading us to a place of disharmony and unease within ourselves, it can also be a great opportunity to explore what’s going on within ourselves and increase our self-awareness.
My signature character strengths are “love of learning” and “empathy.” Armed with this knowledge, I know that when I am in a situation where I want to avoid small talk at all costs, I should step back and assess whether my actions are in line with my character strengths.
Instead of giving in to the avoidance behaviors, I can hone in on my character strengths of curiosity and empathy and have those characteristics lead me to become curious about the person sitting next to me.
To get to know your character strengths, you can check out the free resource viacharacterstrengths.org.
What’s most important than becoming comfortable in small-talk situations is having increased self-awareness on all fronts.
Yes, we want to lead with our character strengths to find the guts to take on challenging tasks. Also important, though, is knowing when to step away from unhealthy interactions and when our inner “knowing” signals that it’s time to move back.
So the next time you step into an elevator with a stranger, think about it. Is this an opportunity for growth, for engagement, for exercising your curiosity and ability to connect with others? Or is this a situation where pretending to answer text messages is totally warranted?
Tune into your gut. What does it tell you?
That’s for you to decide.
